"Philosophy begins when one learns to doubt - particularly to doubt one's cherished beliefs, one's dogmas and one's axioms. Who knows how these cherished beliefs became certainties with us, and whether some secret wish did not furtively beget them, clothing desire in the dross of thought? There is no real philosophy until the mind turns round and examines itself."
- Will Durant,
The Story of Philosophy
My washing machine has broken, so I've decided to amuse myself by writing about a very important topic: the coming zombie apocalypse. And yes, I've been assured by various sources that it is, indeed, coming (Maybe I read it in the Wall Street Journal.), although I'm pretty sure it'd be hard to tell when, exactly, a zombie apocalypse starts. It'd be kind of like the movie
Shaun of the Dead where everyone turning to zombies doesn't change people's behavior a whole lot. The mindless clerks are still mindless clerks, the people staggering down the street and still staggering down the street. How would we know there had been a change? A store employee mopped over my boots the other day while I was standing there trying to figure out why Ultraman was hawking dried fish snacks. Just mopped right over my boots, didn't look up, didn't acknowledge the act in any way. Just went on, probably mopping over other customers' feet until her shift was over and she could shove and jostle her way home through the subway probably pretending that she still had a mop in her hand. Actually carrying a mop through the Chinese subway system might not be a bad idea, kind of like a staff to part the Red Sea. Or in the case of a zombie apocalypse, the Dead Sea.
I had really been looking forward to the coming of the Rapture, and was greatly disappointed that it failed to manifest itself (again). I'd be pretty content if all the religious nuts were sucked up into the ether leaving the earth for the rest of us. Of course the Rapture would have to be pretty all-inclusive for that to happen. They'd have to take the Jesus freaks, the Muslims, the Mormons (magic underpants included), the snake handlers, and a bunch of other windbags who aren't going to get along with one another no matter how prettily the angels strum their harps. Pretty soon Paradise would look like a war zone, and earth would probably start to look pretty peaceful. I wonder if we could figure out how to get the Chinese raptured too; that would make my life a lot easier. At least I could go grocery shopping without getting my feet mopped over.
The next big thing is, of course, the zombie apocalypse. I'm looking forward to this even more than the Rapture. It's a similar concept, I guess, except that you get to partake in a lot of brain-bashing activity, which, no doubt, is good for the figure. And since it's hard to know exactly when it has begun, it's good to prepare early and stay prepared. And by prepared, I mean that you should probably have a lot of canned peaches and such. Canned-peach breath alone may be an effective deterent against zombies, but also the less you have to run to the corner grocer's, the longer you can avoid being eaten by brain-sucking creatures.
I imagine you should also have a stockpile of shovels, axes, and anything else that might have skull-bashing potential. And it's absolutely essential to be on Twitter so you can tweet any zombie activity in your neighborhood, although it's quite likely that your friends have all been zombified and won't be able to cognitively appreciate the message (and they may also have eaten their phones at this point anyway).
Of course, we could just forget about obliterating zombies and instead try to get along with one another's differing viewpoints and well,... smells, and such. Living next to a family of zombies is probably no worse than living next door to Guatemalans with machetes carving up goats in the backyard. The zombies just do the carving sans machete. And you wouldn't have to make inane conversation with strangers anymore; you could just grunt and keep shuffling along (Wait, I may do that already). Ah, if wishes were horses....
Anyway, it appears that my washing machine has been repaired (damn, that was fast), so I no longer have to blog to amuse myself. I can now go sort socks for amusement. But take care, ye careless revelers. The zombie apocalypse will come and there will be great destruction and the innards of disbelievers will be scattered in the streets. And there will be the miswielding of mops and shoving in the subways (no, wait, that's modern-day China), and demons will roam the earth and eat your brain for tea. Although, I have to say, even if I end up tearing into a live goat in my neighbor's backyard, I still wouldn't want to be raptured. I mean, seriously, who'd want to live with those freaks?
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